about the end of Eras

This post is semi-about Taylor Swift and her Eras tour, so if that’s not your speed feel free to pass on this one!

I’m really bad at saying goodbye to things. I thought about putting a bunch of examples right here so you’d believe me, but the list is so long that I genuinely wouldn’t know where to start, so the bottom line is this: I hate saying goodbye to anything. To everything and everyone, and so sometimes I’m the one who walks away first because I don’t want to hear that word. I’m the queen of slipping out the back door before a party has even ended, with only a whispered “see ya” to the host. I’ve been known to force myself to go to sleep before midnight on New Year’s Eve because even if I’ve had a difficult year—which, to be honest, has been 2023 and 2024 in cracked little nutshells—what do you mean it’s leaving? It’s over?! I’ll just close my eyes and see you in the morning, then.

So on December 8th, the last night of Taylor Swift’s Eras tour, I thought about sitting it out. I’d spent many nights starting in March 2023 squinting at grainy, shaky, scream-laden livestreams on TikTok, breaking down the significance of every night’s surprise songs—and sometimes just breaking down—with people (for example, when my best friend Anya texted me from Toronto night 6 when Taylor mashed up “You’re Losing Me” and “How Did It End?”), text-screaming with my dear friend, Artavia, over every little detail as we watched dozens of shows together from opposite sides of the country. I must give a special shout out to 1989 announcement night, which will live in infamy:

I mean, what a rush!! Who could blame me for not wanting to witness the last night of a concert that brought me that kind of joy? Who could blame me for not wanting to watch while knowing I was doing it for the last time? Goodbyes are hard! They hurt! Opt me OUT.

And yet. And yet and yet and yet, I was on that livestream when Gracie Abrams came on stage (shoutout to Alfred for his perfect livestream hosting on TikTok) (which may also be leaving us, but I guess that’s a story for another time). I was there when Taylor came out, when she sang through her own eras of life and artistry and love and loss and happiness and gray Novembers for the last time. I was there when she sang her final surprise song mashup. I was in that stadium and also at my desk with my chin in my hand, right there with 60,000 people in Vancouver and also nearly a thousand miles away.

And I think it hit me when she started singing “There’s glitter on the floor after the party/girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby”—that maybe there’s a sweetness to sticking around and watching it all end. That maybe it crystallizes an era in a way that sneaking out the back door before the confetti has fallen doesn’t allow. That, in fact, maybe getting to say goodbye is a gift, even when it hurts. There have been so many eras of my own life that have passed by without acknowledgement, without the opportunity to memorialize it out loud with the people who shared it with me, and now they’re fuzzy around the edges because I didn’t want to sit in the realization that nothing is really meant to last forever. That our lives are made up of eras that begin and end, and the only enduring thing about it all is that you start over on repeat, whether it’s at midnight on New Year’s Day or, you know, on a random Tuesday in June.

It seems like such a big epiphany for a moment that isn’t even mine, but I’m always thinking about the end of eras around this time of year anyway, so maybe I was more open to receiving the lesson. I think it was also that Tav sent me this when the concert was starting:

It kind of stopped me short because yeah! This has been my era, too—between March 2023 and now, I’ve published three books (well, two and a half—my novella is a short queen), have hit the USA Today bestseller list, have attended countless events and met so many people and (quite literally) made the friendship bracelets, have hugged my best friends and family and reminded myself of my life outside of books. I’ve had my own moments of love and loss and happiness and gray Novembers, and getting to witness the last page of someone else’s era put mine into beautiful perspective alongside it. I think that’s the magic of staying until the end. That, and getting to see the start of something else.

Anyway, all that to say, I think this is my end of year newsletter?! It sure seems like it, right?

Speaking of the end of the year, I will admit to having immense amounts of FOMO when Spotify Wrapped came out and I was unable to see everyone’s stats, so I’m sharing mine here in hopes that you’ll all tell me yours.

None of this will be a surprise to anyone who knows me:

I admit this surprised me, because I listened to a SHITLOAD of Noah Kahan this year (and also got to see him in concert, which was life-changing)

Zero percent surprising, considering the emo newsletter I just wrote

Other things I’ve been obsessing over:

• I’ve been reading craft books lately and have been loving Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and Art and Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland. I also just recently got approved for an ARC of Dear Writer by Maggie Smith, whose poems I ADORE, and it’s really speaking to my soul.

• Rereading Emily Henry’s entire catalog because I am in my comfort reading era. Funny Story gets me like few other books ever have.

• The songs “Messy” by Lola Young—MUST be screamed while you’re driving with the windows down—and the part in Gracie Abrams’ “That’s So True” where she sings “THAT’S MY LIFE, THAT’S MY LIFE.”

• This line from Mary Oliver’s “I Worried”: “Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows can do it and I am, well, hopeless.”

• Audiobooks (still)! I’m just starting Beg, Borrow, or Steal by Sarah Adams in anticipation of seeing her on January 15th in Sacramento and am already in love. God, don’t you love people who write amazing books?!?! We are so lucky.

All right, that’s it for 2024. I’m going to try to stay up til midnight this year 💕 I hope you’re all taking good good care of yourselves.

xoxo

jess